Finding Joy After Loss: Jessica Janzen on Resiliency and Parenting

[00:00:01.900] – Speaker 2
Hi, I’m Chris Tompkins, and this is the Shaping Our World podcast.

[00:00:16.090] – Speaker 1
My goal is to invite you into a conversation that will leave you more confident in understanding and inspiring the young people in your life. Each episode, we talk with leading experts and offer relevant resources to dive deeper into the world of our youth today. Today, we have Jessica Janzen on the show. Jessica is a speaker, coach, philanthropist, entrepreneur, and author who lives in Calgary, Alberta, with her husband and kids. She created the Love for Lewiston Foundation, which screens babies for a rare genetic condition called spinal muscular atrophy or SMA, followed by the heart-breaking loss of her infant son. Her book, Bring the Joy, focuses on how she followed the nudges of her heart to lead a more joyful life. She’s also here to talk about the importance of resiliency, which is a topic I know a lot of parents are interested in when it comes to raising their kids. You might notice a little more familiarity in this interview because Jess and I actually worked together 20 years ago at Muskoka Woods, and we just tracked her down recently, and I’m amazed at all she’s done since we were staff members together a while ago.

[00:01:23.530] – Speaker 1
And so this is a fantastic interview that I know many parents will resonate with, and you can really hear heart and wisdom and just the energy she has about the work that she does and her care for people. Without further ado, let’s dive into the conversation with Jess. Before we meet our guest, a quick word about an opportunity at Muskoka Woods. Starting as a staff member here, I found it to be more than just a job. I discovered a pathway to personal and professional growth. We are committed to intentional staff development, providing training, and building a network that can propel your career forward. Imagine working where you’re nurtured to grow with access to amazing facilities and staff care events. If you’re seeking a role that prepares you for what’s next, visit jobs.muskokawoods.com for more details. Now, let’s get into the heart of our show. Jess, it’s great to have you.

[00:02:28.780] – Speaker 2
I’m so excited to be This is like a flashback. It also makes me feel old, but I’m pumped to be here. Thanks for having me, Chris.

[00:02:34.850] – Speaker 1
Yeah, and just for our listeners, I introduced her as Jessica, but Jess and I worked at Muskoka Woods 20 years ago. Sorry to date you. Sorry to put that out there. And so over the years, in doing some of our research, came across what she’s doing. It was like, oh, my goodness, what a great guest, a former Muskoka Woods staff member who’s doing incredible things in the world. I’m really excited for this interview, but they’ll probably notice a bit more familiarity in the way we interact together, former camp, camp workers together, being back again, talking about stuff that we’re passionate about. So it’s great to have you.

[00:03:10.670] – Speaker 2
Totally. And I would just like to brag because I won Classic the year that I was there. I was a first-time counsellor. My nickname was Six. And I found out about this insane Classic week, and I was like, I’m going to win it. And I did everything in my power, including eating a full cup of minced garlic, which made me stink to high heaven for a solid seven days. But Muskoka Woods Sports Resort, that was one of my favourite summers, and I still just ear to ear smile about all the fun we had while I was there.

[00:03:38.310] – Speaker 1
I love it. And again, those are listeners’ know. Well, I don’t know if our listeners know, but I’m an Enneagram coach, and I might guess you might be somewhere in the world of an Enneagram 3, based on the fact that you wanted to share that you won something right away. But we won’t get too much into that. But let’s get to know you a little bit better. What What shaped your world when you were growing up? What are some of the biggest influences for you?

[00:04:03.650] – Speaker 2
Yeah, I mean, great question. Reflecting back where I was as a teen, I grew up on a family farm just west of Winnipeg. So definitely, I would say the farming community has a massive influence, especially living and working on the farm. There wasn’t much separation there. So that whole world of working hard, rolling up our sleeves, coming together, we can’t move on to the next thing until the job is done, that definitely had massive influence in my life. And then I’m really fortunate. My parents allowed us to try a ton of different activities. I attended summer camp as a kid and was part of a youth group in 4-H growing up and riding horses. And so all those little drops in the bucket, I think, were a huge part of my childhood and that teen era, which was so critical and actually really hard for me growing up. I was bullied quite a bit, so I’m grateful for the support and incredible people I did have in my life.

[00:04:57.900] – Speaker 1
Sounds like a rich childhood. What’s shaping your world today?

[00:05:02.920] – Speaker 2
You look at what we consume, and I’m getting so dialled in. I mean, you said it, I’m turning 40 this year, so I’m getting old, but I’ve gotten really dialled in on what I’m consuming and how I’m consuming it. I would say my world is shaped partly by social media. It’s one of the platforms that I primarily am on and use for my business and for my life. When you look for a recipe, it’s on social media. You want to find out about where the greatest place to get air conditioning or something is, I go social media to look and vet companies. Then a lot of it is what books am I reading or listening to and seeing with what podcast I’m consuming. Then the people, I talk a lot about who’s sitting at your table. Those are the people that allow to speak into my life that have a seat, and they’re not in the nose bleeds and up in the bleachers, but they’re actively participating and helping and a part of my everyday. And those are the people that also allow to help shape my world and call me on my BS, but also guide me and cheer me on.

[00:06:03.100] – Speaker 1
Yeah, that’s amazing. So tell us about your professional work. What are you doing now to shape the world of people, maybe even particularly kids? Tell us about your work, your writing, all the stuff that you’re doing.

[00:06:16.740] – Speaker 2
Yeah, I mean, I love this question, and I’ve been reflecting on it lots as I’ve been building my business as well as a charity. So the long and the short of it is just to establish for maybe someone that has no idea who I am or what I’m about, but got bullied as a kid, so very compassionate and sensitive to ensuring that others are included. Then I met the love of my life, what I would call later, especially in what you would call a Christian world, because I was almost 29 when I got married. Has been back and forth, some crazy turmoil. Then we got pregnant really quickly with our kids, and our second passed away. In that changed the direction. I was on this corporate track. I wanted to become the CEO of a big global company, and I actually didn’t love the environment, found it really toxic. I was like, man, maybe I’m going to start my own business. Just as I was leaving, found I was pregnant, then found I was pregnant again, very quickly after. Then our little guy got a diagnosis. I started using Instagram at the time to share our son’s journey when he got this rare genetic diagnosis of spinal muscular atrophy.

[00:07:20.330] – Speaker 2
And after he passed, we just kept sharing our story, and I just kept utilizing this platform to share what was happening in my world and what I loved. And so now I utilize I Instagram, primarily as that’s my platform of choice to share about what I’m working on and what I’m doing and some of the tools and tips and things that I apply in my own life and for my clients. And so primarily I’m a speaker, so corporate wellness events. That is my wheelhouse. I speak on resiliency and joy and how you can access resiliency and joy in the everyday. And like you said, in a rapidly changing, ever dynamic, constantly on the go world when hard things are guaranteed to come your way. And I coach one-on-one clients. And one of the things that I’ve really been focusing on is how can we use our influence for good? How can we utilize the influence, whether it’s big or small, whether you have thousands of followers or five people in front of you? How can you utilize the gifts that you have to help change the world? And we started a charity in our son’s honor.

[00:08:24.790] – Speaker 2
So I earn a living through speaking and coaching, which is great. And then we have started a charity foundation that’s raised over $2.5 million in counting to give back across Canada to those living still with spinal muscular atrophy. And then we help some programs at our local hospital where my son was cared for and ultimately passed away. It’s been a wild journey, but it’s been such a blessing to be able to utilize our pain as rocket fuel to create the change that we want to see.

[00:08:52.980] – Speaker 1
Okay, so that’s amazing. You flew us through that, which is awesome. And you can already hear how your life has had valleys and mountain peaks, and you’ve navigated that. So I can imagine if we really get into what you’ve been through, because you say you experience this and then you did this, which is so good, but you’ve probably had to develop a lot of resiliency along the way and learn to navigate tough stuff and use it as an opportunity to propel you forward. But that’s not like an overnight thing. Can you talk a little bit more about how you discovered resiliency? Where did that come from? How did you pick yourself up through these difficult times and move forward? Like you said, use it as rocket fuel.

[00:09:43.740] – Speaker 2
Yeah. I mean, This is probably one of the number one questions. And what I’ve done in my keynote is I’ve broken it down and how do you become resilient? What are the actual steps? Everyone says, well, you have a choice. And I really do believe that because I think so many of us can play victim to the circumstances and stay in the pity party and stay in the tough circumstances and then not find the breakthrough. And so someone that’s been on both spectrums of the mountaintop moments and been in the deep dark valleys, I know that I don’t want to stay in the deep dark valleys. I know how good it feels to be on top. And what I’ve also done is I’ve made peace that I will not always be on the mountaintop. There won’t always be these epic and incredible moments. I’m in a valley right now where you’re just working through some of the tough stuff. Rather than spending time asking the why, like why is this happening to me? Why did this? My story is crazy. I share about it in my book, Bring the Joy, about I actually had helped a family with SMA nine years before my son got diagnosed.

[00:10:47.790] – Speaker 2
Oh, wow. Yeah, it’s crazy. I just finished a fundraiser and we had pulled out the check. I have a picture on my phone that we had raised over $44,000 in three weeks later, my son gets this rare genetic disease that only happens to one in a million. And you’re like, What in the actual? And there’s no history of it in our family. So I talk about that being a direct moment that God fax me the memo of like, Hey, this is your life work. Pay attention and keep going. And I don’t think everyone gets those moments. And so I don’t take it for granted. But I will say in those moments, I sat in the like, Why is this happening to me? And you question, Is this karma? Did I do something wrong? Was it because I cut off too many old ladies in traffic and swore my car and shook my fist at them? You go through it all. And one of the big things I really coach people on and that I’m really aware of is when we ask why, in this context, I think it’s a very dangerous tool because I don’t think we always get the answer to why.

[00:11:48.500] – Speaker 2
And what I’ve learned to do is ask a more powerful question, and then that is these three simple words, which is so now what? So now what? It’s this piece of in these four steps I teach on from stage into my clients and anyone that’s navigating this. I mean, it’s this simple, and yet it’s so complicated, but it’s radical acceptance. So okay, it is what it is. I cannot change the circumstance. I wouldn’t choose it, but I can’t change the circumstance. It’s a fact. It’s happened. And then it’s like knowing that you have a choice, and that’s that powerful piece of like, Okay, what’s my so now? What’s it going to be? And once you figure out what your so now, what is it? You’re like, All right, I’m just going to lean into this with relentless belief, this belief that this crazy wild dream idea that I have, that I desire that’s been on my heart that I know I’m placed to do and I’m called to do is possible. And then it’s just to take small, consistent action on it. And I think that’s been the magic piece of getting me out of these pits and out of these valleys and out of these really hard things that you wish upon nobody has been the catalyst in making sure that I never stay in victim mentality and I never stay stuck in the crappy circumstances.

[00:13:05.270] – Speaker 2
Once you can access that, now it’s just like, Oh, I know the formula. Okay, I wouldn’t choose this, but here I am. These are the facts. Then it’s like, Okay, well, what’s my choice in this? You want to stay in the pity party or you want to go have a dance party? I’m all about having a dance party. Then it’s like, Hey, what am I dreaming to be possible? When you show up with relentless belief, people become a part of what you want to do. No one follows somebody that’s like, Mom, I don’t know. I was thinking maybe I could launch a charity foundation and we could raise money. No one’s going to be like, Yeah, tell me I can give and show up. When I’m like, Okay, we’re doing this thing and we’re hosting this party and it’s going to be a fundraiser and we’re going to charge overpriced for these tickets and we’re going to raise all this money and bless all these families, people are like, Yeah, tell me how I can help. That’s the relentless belief piece that brings community together. If you look at any type of major sport, that’s why I love sports so much, it brings strangers together for a common good, a common goal.

[00:13:59.880] – Speaker 2
I love that building a community peace and surrounding ourselves with people that have the same goal and vision. I’m like, Yeah, let’s do it. I always say, It’s never the load that breaks you down. It’s the way you carry it. I think we’ve gotten so brutal. It’s not my quote, it’s a Lou Holtz quote, just so I can give credit where credits do. But man, if you can surround yourself with community and the right people, anything is possible. I think when we talk about resiliency, you can continue to be resilient because you’ve got community and great people who will help carry the load when for you, maybe in a day, a week, a month, it feels too heavy. That has been my secret sauce in continuing to rise time and time again.

[00:14:37.780] – Speaker 1
Okay. There was so much in that. That was incredible. I love that framework, and I love those three words. But even getting into our topic, the importance of helping kids develop resiliency has come up so much on our show. I know it’s something that parents really struggle with. It’s one thing for us to be able to navigate that, but how do we help our kids, the people that we care about the most who enter into that valley and don’t have that perspective? We don’t want to be the ones preaching and just saying… It’s so easy to say it to other people to go, Oh, yeah, you just say so now what? And you move forward. Maybe help us think about how for like, yes, agree with all this, how do we take what you’ve just shared and come alongside our kids and help them over time or in the moment start to see some of the stuff that you just unpacked that is so critical to moving forward through tough times?

[00:15:34.360] – Speaker 2
And then, I mean, I’m in… I honestly am in tears over here because it’s such a huge question. I think if you’re a parent, your heart’s desire is to just protect your kids, keep them safe, give them every opportunity, and help them flourish into who they were created to be for them to have a joyful, abundant life. It’s not a life without pain because that’s just how life works, but it’s an abundant life where they have the tools to be able to bounce back. If you say, How do you do that? I wish I was like, Here, I’m a parenting expert, and I’m still figuring this out as I go because I have young kids, and my daughter is just starting to navigate girl drama and all of these things and testing out how we treat other people and what this looks like. But I think the very first thing when you say, How do we help them do it? Is that we model the behavior ourselves. I’m so passionate about taking care of myself. Lots of people are like, We got to take care of other people, serve, serve, serve. But you cannot serve well and you cannot show up well when you’re not taking care of yourself.

[00:16:42.980] – Speaker 2
I’ve become really passionate about what I would call our overall health and well-being, four quadrants being spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional. My daughter and my son, they are watching me and my husband every day. Just to level set here, my husband and I had a doosy. We were getting ready for a trip, and we’re, Oh, man, I was literally ready to rip off my husband’s balls. It all has to do with this parking break thing. He’s been driving my vehicle with the dang parking break on. I had to go spend $1,900 to go get this fixed. I did not have $1,900 budgeted. So go do the thing, get it fixed. It was like, Whatever you do, don’t touch the parking break. We made it five days without him touching the day in parking break. We had one of our last events for our foundation, and I was in a tougher spot mentally. I’m like, Man, I just don’t have the energy. I’m not excited about it. I’m struggling. He’s like, Babe, we’ve got this. We’re in team mode. Then he parks the car in our driveway, which is slightly slanted. My husband never uses a parking break and then uses the day in parking break.

[00:17:50.360] – Speaker 2
And so my car was indriveable because they were missing a part. They’re like, You can still drive your vehicle. Just don’t touch the parking break because once you put it on, there’s not a cable to release it. So you can only imagine the level of heat, frustration, anger, name it.

[00:18:06.240] – Speaker 1
I’m slightly chuckling going. Yeah, different scenario, similar vibe on other things. Keep going. Yes, I’m tracking with you here.

[00:18:13.980] – Speaker 2
And so This is me, my husband. And in real time, I am using choice words that would land me up and not in front of a church crowd, and we’re just going at it. I’m a little five-year-old guy who you’re so heated in the argument, goes, Are you guys going to break up or something? And it hit me that our kids are watching it all. So they’re watching when I am faced with adversity. They’re watching when I am faced with conflict. They are watching when I’m faced with a roadblock. They are watching when there is a hurdle. I think the most important and the best thing that we can do is to allow them into our mess. I mean, there’s moments and times for things, let’s be clear on that. But allow call them into the mess to watch us navigate as best as we can to our ability. And a lot of it is we’re not teaching them how to have a perfect life, we’re teaching them how to navigate it. And if my daughter can watch me and my son can watch me navigate conflict, navigate adversity, and they see that it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be angry.

[00:19:22.410] – Speaker 2
Now I’m going to process these emotions. How am I doing that? Are you pouring a glass of wine? Are you going for a walk or for a run and finding fitness? Are going to serve other people when you don’t know what to do and how to spin things around and showing up? And when they can see those moments, that’s for them saying, not just being like, Do these things, because often it’s like no one wants to be told, Do these five things, and then you go do them. Sometimes we have to test the waters, and if they can have access to like, Oh, right, this has happened before. I truly believe that’s where we teach our kids how to be resilient in that and to love them through it. I know my daughter just did some stuff, and she was part the bullying where she was saying something that she shouldn’t have. In my head, I’m like, What’s the matter with you, you little punk? I was the one that was bullied. We’re not the bullier. I had to love her through it with very firm and kind words and saying, Listen, I’m not mad at you.

[00:20:17.850] – Speaker 2
I’m disappointed, but I will love you through this. But the most important thing is now, how do we correct it? I think that’s how we teach our kids how to be resilient. The hard stuff is going to come. It’s in the aftermath of what happens that I think is really critical.

[00:20:31.360] – Speaker 1
One of the things, Jess, that I’ve learned along the way, because my tendency would be more personally, but also parent-wise to go… We had this phrase that we were use that I actually stopped using. In our family, We’re not problem-definers, we’re problem-solvers, right? And it was a bit of a mantra. I realized as my daughter got older, I was really missing connecting with her in the actual crapiness of what she was experiencing. So I’ve learned that before I can get to the so now what, I actually need to sit with her a little bit in the pain and discomfort. And she’s actually helped me. She’s like, Dad, I just need you to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay or not even, just that you’re there. And so that’s also like, yes, there is like, we need to move to so now what, but before we get there, I just need to be able to identify and touch like, this sucks. That is disappointing. Man, I can’t believe you’re frustrated because I think sometimes my tendency would be moved to the solve. Yes. And what I was doing is diminishing and ignoring the real live emotion around what was going on.

[00:21:50.120] – Speaker 1
Like you said, whether it’s she did it or someone else did it, or it’s just what life brings at you. So I’ve learned that the other day, I just had to go down and lie beside her and give her a snuggle and didn’t say anything. It was so hard for me to want to talk about the plan on how we move forward. And then I just left, and later we picked it up. And So that’s one thing I’ve learned about resiliency, too, is to be able to enter in as a caring adult to go, Yeah, this does suck. This is awful. I can’t believe you have to navigate some of this, even on stuff that I think is trivial and It shouldn’t be a big deal.

[00:22:30.820] – Speaker 2
That is exactly it. I wanted to add on this piece because in our heads as parents, A, I think we want to protect our kids. To tie this back in about allowing to sit in the pain, and that’s part of emotional regulation. That’s part of how we process. It’s not like, Oh, well, it is what it is, and we just move on. It takes time for our brain to come around. It takes time for our body to come around. It takes time to be like, Oh, this is the hard thing. My daughter, she struggling with something, and she goes, Mom, I just have such a hard life. In my head as a parent, I’m like, Are you flipping kidding me right now? I was like, You don’t got to worry about bills. I’m like, You have a beautiful home. I’m like, You have a healthy body. I’m listing all these things, and I’m ready just to pummel her with like, Do you know how good you have it? But then I listened, and I just sat with her. We were on the bathroom floor, and she goes, Mom, my life is so hard. Rather than being like, No, it’s not, I said, Well, can you tell me what you mean by that?

[00:23:29.330] – Speaker 2
She then unpacked the grief of my father-in-law. He passed away tragically in a car accident right before her son passed away, and she never got to meet him. Then she talks about, I have this brother, and we have to go to these events and talk about him. Sometimes it’s really hard because I don’t know what it’s like to have him as a brother. I don’t know what it’s like to play with him. She really started to unpack it. I wanted to just fix the problem and be like, No, don’t be a spoiled, entitled little kid. Instead, these were really valid feelings. Simon Sinek talks about all we need is eight minutes with somebody to listen to our pain to be able to process these emotions. I think you said it exactly. It’s like, sometimes we just got to sit with him in it and just say, Oh, man, yeah, that does suck. Yeah, that is heavy. That is hard. I think that’s the powerful piece of resiliency is not just trying to rush through the process, but this piece of radical acceptance, and it takes time to process that emotion and to process the hurt.

[00:24:24.390] – Speaker 2
For us, it may look really silly or trivial, but for them, it’s their whole world.

[00:24:29.920] – Speaker 1
A quick pause to tell you about an amazing opportunity for teams at Muskoka Woods. Our CEO Leadership program is more than just four weeks at summer camp. It’s a life-changing experience in one of the most beautiful spots in Ontario, Lake Rosso. Designed for 15 to 17-year-olds, this program empowers you to be the CEO of your own life. With state-of-the-art accommodations and our unique leadership studio, you’ll gain personal skills and leadership abilities unlike anywhere else. Plus, you’ll earn a high school credit or complete community service hours. It’s not much better than that for a summer camp experience. Visit muscokawoods. Com for details. In your story and in your journey, the word joy comes up a lot, and your book is actually called Bring the Joy. You talk about how you found joy when listen to the nudges of your heart. Can you tell us a little bit about what that means and how we might also pay attention to that?

[00:25:37.950] – Speaker 2
Totally. I wrote this book, and it took me over six years to write the dang book, and I’m so glad I did because I originally wanted to write it about this love story. It was like, Okay, it’s going to be this Nicolas Sparks thing, and Hollywood is going to turn into a movie because my story with how my husband and I came to be is quite a dramatic fairytale/crazy story. And so I really wanted to share where we got to was because I continued to respond to these nudges. But then our son passed away, and so then it reshaped the story a little bit of like, Oh, this is a much broader thing. This isn’t just about how to meet the love of your life by following and paying attention to the nudges. And so I looked back at my life and I was like, Oh, man, every time I’ve had a prompting, a whisper, a loud calling, and I’ve responded, that has led to abundant joy, not just instantly. Some of it has taken time. I wrote this book about all of these instances where I knew exactly what I need to do. Call it your gut, call it your intuition.

[00:26:40.240] – Speaker 2
I attribute the nudges to God, where it was like God was saying, you need to go do this thing. We have to get quiet enough to listen. I think the better we get at listening and then taking action is the better we get at accessing joy. Now, in my own life, I’ll get this nudge, and I just shared this with somebody else. I had this nudge a couple of weeks ago after I’d worked out with one of my girlfriends, you’re sweating, no makeup on, cheeks are red, hair is greasy. There was this fairly good-looking guy at the coffee shop, and he was right there. God was like, You got to go tell that guy that what he’s working on matters, and he has to keep going. I was like, No, I don’t want to. He’s going to think… You start to play these scenarios. I was like, Dang it. This is so good. I’m like, I wrote a book on this whole thing. I just said, Hey, sir, I’m not flirting with you. I’m happily married, but I’m just supposed to tell you that the work that you’re doing right now matters and is really important and to keep going.

[00:27:34.330] – Speaker 2
And then I grabbed my coffee and I ran out of the store. But all of these major moments in my life have been in response to having a prompting on my heart. Some of them, you see the fruit, and some of them, you see the major joy. And some of them, I don’t know necessarily you always see the joy, but I know that they’re so important. And so this book has been about my sharing the journey every time I’ve had a nudge and then how I responded and where it led to the joy. I think if more of us took time to listen to those whispers and take action, we would live more abundant, more full, more joyful lives. Not easier lives, but more joy.

[00:28:07.910] – Speaker 1
Wouldn’t that be nice to have lives more filled with joy? I love that you shared that listening to the nudges of your heart and following through, because I think so often we get them and we’re like, and things get in the way.

[00:28:22.350] – Speaker 2
They’re uncomfortable.

[00:28:23.730] – Speaker 1
Yeah, or they’re weird. Like you said, who’s going to go up and tell a random stranger this? Like you said, all the other things that you would go through. But I love hearing you share the encouragement to follow through on those. What are some other ways that we can bring more joy into our life? Maybe some first steps, nudges of your heart, follow through. Is there anything else you’ve experienced and shared and written about that we can glean from you today?

[00:28:52.190] – Speaker 2
Super simply, I would say, Stop caring what other people think about you. Stop it. You’ve heard it said before, but It literally has brought so much freedom and so much abundant joy when I stopped worrying about the opinions of other people. And then I think it’s that much easier to take action on those nudges and to show up and to take the risks and to do the things. And it’s a process, and I continue to have to practice this process. But when you don’t care about what everybody else thinks about you, and what brought me peace was, is I’m like, Oh, right. They don’t live in my house. They’re not paying my bills. They’re not in my marriage. They’re not raising my kids. They’re not doing my life. I’m literally going to let strangers’ opinions hold me back for fear of what they might think, make me miss out on critical opportunities or these awesome, epic things. If you can stop caring what other people think about you, that right there just takes a whole weight off of your shoulders. The second most practical piece that I tell people is less pity parties, more dance parties.

[00:29:59.960] – Speaker 2
The way that we’ve infused this into our life is maybe you need a dance party in your kitchen, maybe you need some good tunes in your car with your kids. But on the anniversary of the death of our son, we go out and we ride water slides and have dance parties with our kids. We didn’t do this the first three years, and they were really tricky to navigate. Now we are really intentional about, Hey, we know this is going to be a hard day. What’s something that we can do that will bring us joy? You literally have to plan for joy. I think people expect joy to flow on in. Joy should just come on in. I think sometimes joy is actually hard work because you have to plan it. You have to say, I’m going to commit to it. I’m going to stay consistent in it. I’m going to drown out the noise. I would just encourage you, man, if you are struggling I want you to blast your favorite song. Maybe it’s locking yourself in a room so no one can see you, so you don’t care what other people think, but have a dance party and just watch how it changes your endorphins, your mindset, how you feel in your own body.

[00:30:57.710] – Speaker 2
If you are able, body, and you to move, don’t waste that.

[00:31:01.730] – Speaker 1
Those are two incredible things. It might be Roosevelt. I don’t know who is him, but comparison is the thief of joy. I love the intentionality of on a sad day, let’s choose to do something that brings joy. Not to forget about it or ignore it, but to see that in life there is both of those together. You can experience difficult things and also find joy in the things that bring life for you. I think knowing what that is is probably another thing that I know for me is important as I’ve gone through my own stress of work and life and figuring it out. I’m in my therapy sessions and my therapist and my I get a coach, you’re like, You need to find more joy in your life. I sit there and I’m like, I don’t really know anymore what that is. It sounds really sad, but it’s like… Because you’re grinding so often and then you haven’t had those things to give you that measure, to know, to go like, okay, I know what my things are to go to, like water slides or going golfing or playing tennis with a friend or going out on the lake here in the Muskoka area.

[00:32:14.780] – Speaker 1
Having a coffee or tea or a drink with my wife late at night as the sun setting, like those little things, knowing what they are, but being able to choose them instead of feeling sorry for yourself in that moment. I love that. That’s really good.

[00:32:30.250] – Speaker 2
You go back and you look at… You want to talk about shaping your world. I think if we want to teach kids how to access more joy, we want kids to be able to… Oh, even in difficulty, grief and joy can coexist. This is part of what I believe I’m modeling for my children. It’s like, oh, mommy and dad can go through these really hard things, but also look at the good that’s come from it. And that for me is like, I want to use my influence, whether it be with my kids or the thousands of people that follow me on Instagram. I want them to see that you get a choice in this and that you have to be intentional with joy. It doesn’t just land. It doesn’t just happen. My life isn’t just joyful because I’m lucky. It’s because I make this a practice of my life. I think we get into these ruts where this is probably one of the number one ask questions. It’s like, How do I bring joy? I think we get into adult mode where it’s like, Pay their bills, show up at meetings, do all these things, fight these fires, now check off these boxes.

[00:33:29.420] – Speaker 2
We We have to just drop our shoulders, have a random dance party. Look at a young kid who doesn’t care what anybody thinks about them. They’re dancing in the parking lot and the grocery store doing whatever. I’m like, We need more moments like that. I would say, find your version of a dance party. I don’t know a single person that you dance to a song and have the time of your life that ends up angry. But if dancing isn’t your thing, find the thing that fills up your cup, find the thing, and then put that into practice more. Sometimes it’s about scheduling it into calendar, which sounds outrageous. But in a world that’s as fast-paced and as busy and as chaotic as we are in now with the ever-changing demands of technology and everything else, you have to schedule it. And that’s just how we’re moving forward. Yeah.

[00:34:15.100] – Speaker 1
Well, and a little bit of a shameful plug for so many kids, summer camp is that dance party. And we see that so often where kids, the same pressures of school and fitting in and all that, you come to summer camp and everyone’s in messy night and got paint and stuff all over themselves. It just evens the playing field and it’s always fun. That’s an intentional choice that a lot of parents, a lot of, again, it sounds like a shameful plug for camp, but I really believe that. Choosing to send your kids to any camp, day camp, overnight camp, is an opportunity for them to find that little spark in a week or more that gives them a dance party in the middle of the summer?

[00:35:01.300] – Speaker 2
It does. I look at… I mean, I never got to attend Muskoka Woods Sports Resort. I got to be a counsellor there. I went to some much simpler, smaller, more HIC camps. But I remember this one summer, I went to a camp, and I had gone with a bunch of girls from school, and I was the only one that didn’t get placed in a cabin with everybody. You could be best to be with your friends. And that ended up being one of the most impactful and best summers of my life. And to this day, I still keep in touch with that camp counsellor because I think they just for me, and I didn’t have to be anything. I didn’t have to worry about what friend group or where I was going to go. I just showed up. And now that you’re saying this, I’m like, Gosh, maybe I need to start a business where it’s summer camp for adults because people are lacking in joy. I bet you if they just spent five or six nights playing games and having fun and just intentionally shutting down and having a water balloon fight or these things that actually make you smile and have fun, I’m like, Wow, I wonder how that could change adults for the better.

[00:35:59.670] – Speaker 1
Yeah. Well, it’s one of the most frequently asked questions from parents after they drop their kids off at camp for the first time is, can I stay? How do I get to do this? So just to encourage you, there’s a market out there, Jess, if you ever want to put that together.

[00:36:14.850] – Speaker 2
Well, no, I’m like, Chris, maybe we do one week and you and I can come. We’re going to plan the epic joy adult week. It’s the story kids. The adults are coming in for this week.

[00:36:24.270] – Speaker 1
Awesome. I love it. I love it. Switching gears a little bit, you speak a fair bit And one of the topics that you tackle is mental health, which has been informed by your own struggles, depression, loneliness, suicidal thoughts. We know mental health issues among Canadian youth are at an all-time high right now. What would you say to kids who are experiencing somewhat similar stuff that you went through in high school and as a young adult? And I know bullying shapes a lot of this for kids who have experienced it. What would you want to say? And maybe even through parents or other caring adults, that they could say to kids who are in the midst of battling some of these serious topics that you went through yourself?

[00:37:07.380] – Speaker 2
Oh, man, I’m almost glad that we’re not filming because this topic also brings me to tears and drums up some big emotions. So just to level set, I came from a really loving home, like this silver platter life. Not that my parents were just loaded and there was no hardship, but my grandparents were married for 61 years and 64 years, and my parents are married on the farm, and I have these great brothers. You wouldn’t think that I would be a kid that should have, in quotation, any mental health issues because I had a loving family. We went to church on Sundays. For me, one of the challenges and struggles is, why am I struggling with mental health if everything looks like I have a really good life? I think there was a ton of shame in that of being like, what’s the matter with me? Why is my brain offering me all of these dark thoughts, suicidal ideations patients in all of this. And the suicidal ideations did become so real that in grade 11, I attempted suicide with a bottle of prescription painkillers. I had just broken my wrist. And so I think in this conversation, the first thing is, I don’t know why some kids brains are wired this way or why it is such a struggle.

[00:38:20.000] – Speaker 2
But now, looking back, there was nothing that my parents did or didn’t do. This was just part of my journey. And I think lots of us are like, why is this happening? How come I can’t figure this out? And again, I think it’s not necessarily always getting the answer to why. I think one of the best things that my parents did and that even now for myself is this is something I navigate is not attaching shame and guilt to these feelings or to this struggle and this challenge. My parents just sat with me in it and they didn’t shame it or say, What’s the matter with you? They did the best that they could with accessing resources and counsellors and other solutions of how to pull through it. This was a conversation more than 20 plus years ago, as I’m dating myself, that there wasn’t the same amount of resources and conversation. And so we have access. So I would say, do everything in your fighting power to get your kids into therapy, get them into a sport and moving their body, and then let go of a timeline of how it should look and heal, but just stay with them in it.

[00:39:23.060] – Speaker 2
And I think you and I talked about just sitting in that emotion of like, Okay, this is tough. I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to love you through it. And that, I think, can be one of the best gifts of just saying like, Man, I see you in the hard. I wish I had a magic pill or a perfect answer. But there’s a combination of what’s your diet? How’s your body moving? Are you resting? Can you go to therapy? And all of those things and really focusing on gratitude and putting this in. And then if you need medication, there’s no shame in that because I think there’s so many multi-prong approaches. But I would just say if there’s a parent out there, sit with your kids and just meet them with abundant love an unending grace because that’s what’s seeing me through my journey and where I am at today. My husband now is the person that’s my go-to that extends that when I hit my darkness.

[00:40:10.690] – Speaker 1
That’s a great way to think about that. Man, we’ve talked about so many things. It feels like we could go on forever. But as we come to the end, we’ve talked some key topics have been resilience and joyful. We want all of our kids to be resilient and joyful. What are some resources, opportunities you can suggest to parents? I mean, number one, parents pick up Jess’s book. On Amazon? Yeah. Amazon, Bring the Joy, pick that up. Any other suggestions for parents who are like, Okay, yeah, I want to know more about how do I bring joy into my kids’ lives? Obviously, you can go to jessecajanson. Ca and get more resources there. But any other tips or resources you can encourage parents to explore?

[00:40:53.990] – Speaker 2
A thousand %. And again, this goes back to, I don’t think you can help your kids unless you’re helping yourself. And so you is a living example of it. Two of my favorite resources, probably three I’ll share. Number one is Dr. Daniel Amen. He’s a psychiatrist out of the States and he’s written phenomenal books. One of my favorites is Change your brain every day. Learning about brain health and what that looks like and understanding how it works and operates is absolutely huge and critical. I love following Dr. Caroline Leef. She’s a neuroscientist talking about how we can rewire our brain. Then I love the book by Bernabé Brown, Atlas of the Heart. When I started reading the book, and I love it because you don’t have to read it all the way through. You can just look up emotions. I honestly, literally, it’s a Bible of emotions that I would encourage any parent to have so that you can access that. I would say, you want to help your kids, help yourself. And I think to be a great parent, you have to take care of yourself well so you can take care of others well.

[00:41:52.780] – Speaker 2
I see far too many parents that are burnt out. And to close the loop on this, Brené Brown talks about three types of families: kid-focused families, parent-focused families, and family-focused families. I just had this conversation with my husband on our drive home from the Lake last weekend. I said, I really want to be a family that is a family-focused family. For me, it’s really easy because I live a very fast-paced, very full, abundant, insane schedule to be probably what most would call a parent-focused family. I think lots of people live kid-focused families. So somewhere there’s this sweet spot, which I don’t think you’ll always stay in. I think there’s seasons, and I talk a lot about seasons in the work that I do. But I want to find this rhythm and this flow where we’re a family-focused family, and that means that we take care of each other. But I have to be the best so that I can be able to come alongside my kids. And so in that, we’re going to ride the valleys in this crazy roller coaster of life. But life is good and meant to be full of abundant joy.

[00:42:53.190] – Speaker 2
It is not without its hardships. But the more that you can learn and equip yourself with tools, I think the better you can go into battle. And some days are battle days and know that you have what you need. It’s just about knowing how to access it and show up.

[00:43:07.520] – Speaker 1
Such good insight and wisdom for us. As we wrap up our conversation, Jess, and it’s been so good. It feels like a whirlwind, but so encouraging to me. And even just to hear your journey over the last 20 years and how you’re helping people, it’s just pretty inspiring. I think we could probably do in a whole other episode, which we might just do on your journey with your son and into fundraising and just how you found some beauty from Ashes. And I think there’s a whole other conversation on that. But as we wrap up, a couple sentences, thoughts, words of encouragement for parents who are just listening to this and going like, Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. I can’t really find that today. It’s really tough. You don’t know my situation. My kids are out of control. I’m having a real tough go. What would you say to encourage them today?

[00:44:00.340] – Speaker 2
Relentless belief. Relentless belief that the desire, the dream, the life that you want and that you know is possible for yourself and for your kids and for your family, you got to show up like that. And relentless belief is what gets people to the goal, to the destination, to this abundant life. And man, my life has not been perfect or without the loss, without the grief. But I’ve been able to find the forward momentum because of relentless belief. The relentless belief is what fuels a small, consistent action to keep going. If you are in a season that feels dry and impossible, stop focusing on the problem and start looking to what is possible. If you cannot see the evidence, then you must create the evidence. It doesn’t have to be big and insane. It could just be these tiny little drops in the bucket, but eventually, tiny drops in a bucket will fill a bucket. This is a whole lot longer than turning on a tap and going full blast. And so I just want to say, I’m holding that belief for you if you can’t find that belief today, and do not do life alone.

[00:45:12.050] – Speaker 2
I want to close with this because it just is so in my heart. Lots of people talk about social media and, Oh, my gosh, it’s so terrible and it’s so crazy and look at all this. Social media changed my life for the better. It’s connected me to some of the most incredible people, and it’s given me a platform to share my story and to be able to use our influence for good. And that is a part of how in the global pandemic, as a charity, we grew because we were online and had a social presence. And it’s how we’ve been able to find incredible businesses and partners doing really great work. And so what consume and what you focus on will be what your brain sees. And so rather than me seeing social media and some of this is crazy, toxic, and it’s ruining the world, I choose to see it as good, and I choose to look for the joy and the goodness and the belief on it. And that changed my world.

[00:46:04.300] – Speaker 1
That’s amazing. Jess, thanks for sharing your heart with us today and all the things you’ve picked up and are sharing with so many other people. I know I’m leaving here thinking about relentless belief and how that’s going to propel me into the rest of my day. It’s a tough day at camp today, and so it’s going to propel me forward. Thank you so much. And hey, listeners, stay tuned for Chris and Jess’s Adult Camp coming up soon. You may hear more about that. Well, make sure there’s some classic winning things in there for people, right?

[00:46:34.590] – Speaker 2
I refuse to eat, though, a cup full of garlic because I remember the camp nurse was like, Jessica, that is toxic. You could have. And I did stink like garlic, but what a blessing. And honestly, you’ve got me itching to go back out to camp and to be a part of the goodness that you pour into kids because it’s a life-changing experience in the best way possible.